oroburos69 | Fic: The Icha Icha Experiments: Project Fan

Title: The Icha Icha Experiments: Project Fan
Rating: M/FRM
Warnings: Slightly Smutty Silliness
Summary: Kakashi has acquired an item of vital importance. Sakura just wants to get some sleep. Or maybe some Kakashi. Either way, he's not cooperating.
AN: Part one of the Icha Icha Experiments.

Stream curled off the surface of her tea.

Sakura yawned and took another sip. She’d taken the night shift at the hospital and had come home to Kakashi sitting on her roof, half-hidden by the chimney. In the haze of early morning exhaustion, she’d invited him in.

Kakashi leaned against the wall. His book was in his hand, but he hadn’t flipped a page in ten minutes. He shifted his weight, scratching at his drying sleeves. Kakashi had made her breakfast and done the dishes, soaking his shirt up to the elbows in the process.

The first frost of the season had struck last night, drawing icy ferns over the windows. They glowed rosy pink in the rising sun, hiding the world outside.

Sakura wrapped her fingers around the cup, drawing in the warmth. She sighed.

Kakashi looked up, quickly, then returned to his book. He’d refused to sit on the couch. The wall was more comfortable. He’d denied having any purpose in staking out her apartment. He had just wanted to see her.

He was lying through his teeth.

Sakura bit off a corner of her last piece of toast. Lightly brown and well buttered, exactly as she liked it. So far as bribes went, it was a good one. The pounding headache that had been threatening was gone, her stomach was full, and she hadn’t even had to do dishes. Whatever he wanted, she’d probably give it to him.

Kakashi made a sound, like he’d started to talk and then decided not to.

The napkin was folded in the shape of a turtle. Sakura shook it out and wiped her fingers on the thin paper, then crumpled it into a ball and tossed it onto her plate. She tucked her fingers into the sleeves of her robe, hiding them from the marked chill in the air.

The clocked ticked futilely. The battery was low, and the hands rebelled strenuously against gravity, twitching up, then falling down, never making any progress and getting progressively more wrong as the day went on.

“May I borrow your television?” he asked abruptly.

Ripples danced across her tea cup. Sakura blinked, slowly. Kakashi had never owned a T.V. Never expressed interest in one, so far as she could remember. “I get the weather channel,” she said. “Not much else.”

Kakashi shrugged. “Does it play movies?”

Sakura brought her tea up too quickly, burning her lips. She remembered, quite suddenly, what day yesterday had been. “I have a DVD player,” she said, doing her best not to smirk.

“Is that...” Kakashi cleared his throat, bringing his book closer to his face. “Does it play movies?”

Sakura’s lip quirked up at the corner. “Yes. It does.”

“.Could I...” Icha Icha Resurrect lifted, hiding the entirety of his face. “I mean, if you aren’t using it.”

“Yesterday...I seem to remember you saying something important was happening yesterday...” Sakura mused in fake confusion. “What was it again?”

Kakashi lowered his book and he looked so adorably excited that Sakura could hardly bear to tease him. Not that she was going to stop.

“They released the Icha Icha Trilogy Collector’s Edition!” he replied. “It has a holographic case, the first issue of the comic book, and extras, and out-takes, and alternate endings, and they have footage of Jiraiya on the set!”

Sakura snickered. “So you bought it.”

Kakashi nodded firmly.

“Even though you don’t have a television.”

He scratched the back of his neck, looking at her kitchen clock with bemused interest. “Yes.”

Sakura laughed. “Okay, you can borrow my T.V.” She yawned again, heading into her tiny living room. “Do you want me to set it up for you?”

Kakashi offered a hideously orange box to her, nearly bouncing in excitement. “Yes, please.”

“If you want to finish the dishes...” Sakura trailed off, kneeling in front of the television.

Something rattled and a gentle breeze blew past her. Sakura checked over her shoulder, completely unsurprised to see Kakashi perched on the edge of her couch, staring at the black screen like it might turn on at any second.

“Didn’t you watch all of them in theatre?” Sakura asked, tugging the lid off the box.

Kakashi giggled, then tried to cover it with a cough. “A couple of times. Maybe.”

The DVD player pinged when she turned it on. Kakashi gasped and Sakura had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. She stuck the first disc in, careful not to scratch it, and hit the power button on the T.V.

“Is it on?” Kakashi asked. Sakura picked up the remote and shuffled toward the couch, slightly appalled to find that he was using his sharingan to memorize her movements.

The title screens began to play, and Kakashi made a soft, happy sound, his eyes crinkled at the edges. “It’s on!”

Sakura dropped the remote beside him, then grabbed a blanket from the linen closet, dumping it on him. It was cold in her apartment, and she’d have to heal him if he got sick. “Kakashi?”

“Yes?” he peered at the remote, running his fingers over the buttons.

“Keep it down? I’m going to sleep.”

Kakashi looked up. “You can stay, if you want.” He smiled at her, patting a section of couch beside him.

Sakura rolled her shoulders, dearly wanting to sleep in her nice, quiet bedroom...but how could she say no to a face like that?

***

She was asleep.

“Heeeeeeeeee!”

She was asleep.

“Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes!”

Kakashi seemed unaware of this.

“I love this part!”

So she poked him. Not hard. Sakura didn’t break any ribs.

“You’re awake!” Kakashi grabbed her and squeezed like she was a stuffed toy. “Look! Look! Do you see her?”

Sakura resisted the urge to mutter something nasty. It was nice that Kakashi had hobbies--a hobby. Ino was always complaining about how Temari never wanted to do anything but work, or talk about work, or...Sakura dragged herself back to the matter at hand. “Kakashi?”

“It’s the Pirate Princess!” He’d pulled his mask down at some point and the grin on his face was irredeemably goofy.

Sakura melted a tiny bit. He was just so damn cute when he was excited. “Who’s she?”

Kakashi pointed at the screen. “She’s the Bisexual Buccaneer! She rides the Salty Seas in search of Her One True Love!” As much as he might like to deny it, Kakashi was a die hard romantic. A die hard pervert as well, but Sakura thought it was probably his romanticism that drew him to Icha Icha.

It took a second for her eyes to focus. The Pirate Princess appeared to be--searching for booty. Sakura snickered. “Is she your favorite?” she asked, drawing out the last word.

“Yes,” Kakashi said with great dignity. “She is. Her story arc was, and continues to be, the best Jiraiya has ever told.”

“It’s all for the story, right.” Sakura rolled her eyes.

On screen, the Pirate Princess jiggled, barely constrained by her scarlet corset. “So...is she hiding her face for a reason?”

“She’s hiding it from everyone but her One True Love!” Kakashi said gleefully. He squeezed Sakura pointedly. “Isn’t that romantic?”

“Yes, Kakashi, it’s very romantic,” Sakura said. “Just out of curiosity...how old were you when this came out?”

The Pirate Princess moaned and the camera focused lovingly on her face, the lower half hidden by a mask of shimmering red silk. One of her eyes was hidden by a thick length of silver hair.

“I was twenty-six,” Kakashi said.

“When the book came out, not the movie.”

Kakashi sighed happily, staring at the television. “I suppose I was seventeen or eighteen.”

“Hmmmm.” It was a significant ‘hmmmm,’ but Kakashi didn’t seem to notice. Sakura rolled her eyes. “So is that her one true love?”

“One True Love,” Kakashi corrected her, “and yes. Junko is one of them.”

“I see.” Sakura reclaimed her blanket and crawled onto Kakashi lap. If he was going take his fan-glee out on her then Sakura may as well be comfortable and warm. “Tell me more. Who is Junko?”

“She’s the main character in Icha Icha Paradise. She was an orphan who was raised in a Hidden Village, and she became a ninja, and now she goes on adventures! She usually ends up sleeping with the enemy, but she gets into some really interesting fights, too. There’s this one scene where...She disarmed her!”

Sakura blinked, confused.

“This is my favorite part! Listen!” Kakashi helpfully poked her cheek until she was watching the movie.

The Pirate Princess held Junko at sword-point, standing on the deck of a very large sailing vessel. “Tell me, stranger. How did you come to be on my ship?”

Junko shrugged. “You know, I’m not sure. I got lost on the road of life, and found myself, quite unexpectedly, on this boat.”

“It’s a ship, not a boat,” the Princess corrected her. “And I find myself puzzled...what road led you into my cabin?”

Junko grinned, tossing her long red hair over her shoulder. “Well, there were these dockworkers, and several barrels of fish--”

“That explains the smell--”

“--and I may or may not have stowed away, quite possibly hidden under your bed. You have lovely ankles, in case you are wondering.”

The Pirate Princess sighed. “Ninja, ninja...you are all the same.”

“Seriously, Kakashi?”

“Shhhhhhh!”

“Do tell, Pirate.”

“Irritating, superior, sneaky--”

“Sexy?” Junko asked, sliding past the Princess’s blade and deep into her personal space.

Sakura groaned. “Really Kakashi? This is pitiful. Why are you--”

“They’re going to have sex now!” he said happily. “Lesbian sex!” His hands slid down her sides, curling almost absent-mindedly around her hips.

Then again, Sakura did have to leave on that three week mission to Suna tomorrow. She watched the television screen, ignoring the terrible dialogue and focusing on the characters. They did have a certain charm, and the actresses were very beautiful. It didn’t make the plot any less stupid, but it did help.

“Hey, Kakashi...”

He muffled his squeal of joy against her neck, the tip of his nose brushing over her ear. “She took her shirt off!”

“Yes. Yes she did.” Sakura wiggled, trying to get some kind of reaction other than fan-boy glee out of him. Kakashi, sadly, did not seem to notice.

“What village am I from?” Junko chuckled, the camera focused on her bountiful breasts. “Why, my dear Pirate, I hail from the Hidden Sword Village.”

“The Hidden Sword?”

“Why don’t we go back to your cabin, and I’ll show you...in detail.”

Kakashi’s thumbs trace little circles over her skin. Sakura sighed, leaning back against his chest and tracing a hand up his thigh.

“Eee!”

Sakura jumped, twitching away from him. “What?!”

“The Princess!” Kakashi dragged her back into his lap, then wrapped his arms around her waist to keep her in place. “Junko’s taking her dress off!”

This...this was utterly unacceptable. He was not ignoring her in favor of his stupid porn, which she was, out of the graciousness of her heart, allowing him to watch on her T.V.

“Oh Princess, will you allow me to see under your mask, into the deepest heart of you?”

“No.”

Kakashi snuffled in her hair. “It’s so sweet!”

He’d let her see under his mask, and he was pulling this shit? Sakura growled. She had a three week dry spell coming up and she was watching badly acted lesbian porn with her boyfriend instead of having hot, wild sex with him.

No, Sakura was not going to let this shit fly. Especially since Kakashi was totally ignoring her efforts to seduce him. She reached out with her toes, pressing pause on the abandoned remote.

Junko froze in the middle of the Pirate Princess’s legs, the word ‘PAUSE’ flashing over her chest, the letters playing peek-a-boo with her nipples.

“It...” Kakashi blinked, like he was coming out of some porn-induced genjutsu. “It stopped. Why did it stop?”

Sakura flashed through the seals for henge. “Kakashi?”

“They were going to have lesbian sex. I just...I don’t understand. Is it broken?”

“I’ve always wanted to have lesbian sex,” Sakura offered, feeling a little desperate. What exactly did she have to do to grab his attention?

“That’s nice--” Kakashi blinked. “Wait--”

Sakura twisted around to face him and curled a lock of her now fire-red hair around her finger. “I mean, I kind of want to have sex right now.”

“Sakura--”

“Call me Junko.”

“Oh...” Kakashi actually teared up. Sakura almost felt embarrassed for him. He sniffed, blinking away the suspicious shininess in his eyes.

Sakura pouted thoughtfully. “Say, have you seen a Pirate Princess anywhere? Her and I were interrupted...”

Kakashi’s hands blurred, and his standard uniform transformed into an exact replica of the Pirate Princess’s costume, the red mask hanging around his neck. “Oh Junko...”

Sakura melted, just a little. “Oh Princess!”